How often have we said those words? They almost slip out from our mouths, on a direct response from our unconscious minds. Even before the content of the message has arrived in our brains, much less been unpacked. It is the tone with which it is conveyed that reaches our unconscious brains. The heart-to-heart message has been received.

The tone we take counts too. Our adolescents are particularly receptive to our tone. It doesn’t matter what we say, it’s how we say it that counts. It’s our tone that lands. 

We all have an inbuilt level of comfort that we are able to live with. Be aware of that level and set your life to it, it is your guide. Making do with crap in your life is tolerating a level of comfort that isn’t okay. Does the way your teenager speaks to you add to, or detract from, your level of comfort? And the way you reply – does that carry a tone of comfort? 

Let me ask you another way, how does the sound of your words make you feel? What is their tone? Love? Frustration? How do those words make your teenager feel?

The tone in which you speak to others carries the truth of what you say. It speaks to the heart of the matter. It will let people know what is in your heart. Your words will tell one story. Your tone may well tell another.

Right now you may be thinking, “Dammit, how do I change my tone?” The answer to that question is, by deep inner work, work that gets to the heart of the matter.

You use your words to explore your state. Your inner world. Your way of being. As in being human. Remember, we’re all (each and every one of us), a human being. When you change your state, you change your tone. 

What is your tone today?

It only takes a micro moment to register the tone of your voice. The underlying intention of the words. It is your tone (coming from your unconscious mind) that speaks to another’s unconscious mind. While your words may register in their head, it is your tone that goes straight to their heart. 

Working on the feelings and thoughts that drive your tone is the deep work of coaching. We’re working below the layers of the things we do and say. We’re in the layers of the things we think and feel. The layers that sit just above our core identity. 

The things we Do and the things we Say come from the things we Think, which come from the things we feel, which are driven by the way we Be (or are, if I’m being grammatically correct!)

Coaching lets you work down through the layers and make the changes you choose at the level of your identity. 

As these changes take place, the knock on effects flow back up the layers.

Want to know how you’re really feeling? 

Listen to your tone. It’s not what you say, it’s the way in which you say it that counts. 

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