@Communicating with Teenagers is an art form, always delicately balanced and needing to be handled with care.
Parents: there is a time and a place for saying “Taihoa … Enough is enough.” When things are getting busy and frazzled, take the time to pause and revisit your boundaries. Get grounded within yourself, and ask yourself, “What is my truth here?” “Am I comfortable with this?” “Are my needs being met?”
It may be that your need to know your teenager is going to be safe, isn’t being met. And what better reason to speak up for your needs?
Bring this up with your teenager and they’re likely to storm off/flounce away/roll their eyes. To which the magic phrase is, “I’m not saying no right now.” Music to their ears, which you swiftly follow up on by adding, “I would like to talk about your safety. When is a good time to have this conversation?”
Make an agreed time. (Hint: If tempers are rising it may need to be in 15 minutes or so.) And be ready to send your I message.
1. Start with an unarguable statement of fact. It might sound like, “When you tell me you don’t know how you’re getting to the movies.”
2. Talk about what the behaviour causes.“I am uncertain about your safety”
3. Add in the effect of that. “It makes me anxious to think you are potentially putting yourself into danger.”
4. Put the whole sentence together. Remember your need is to know that your teenager is going to be safe when she’s out and about with her friends. “When you tell me you don’t know how you’re getting to the movies, I am uncertain about your safety. It makes me anxious to think you are potentially putting yourself into a dangerous position.”
Having stated your needs clearly and in a reasonable tone of voice you then keep quiet. Very quiet. Not because you have nothing else to say on the subject – you do! It is now their turn to reply and you need to listen. 100% listen so you can fully understand their reply.
Research has shown that 92% of conflicts end badly because their opening line sets them up to fail. By using, and sticking with, a simple and clear opening line you have a much higher chance of being in the 8% who succeed.
And when it comes to teaching our teenagers how to keep themselves safe, who doesn’t want that?
Are you ready to talk to your teen so they listen, and listen to your teen so they talk? Sign up here to take the ‘Teen Talk’ course. Online learning designed by a busy mum for other busy mums.
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