Ask my kids, they’ll tell you I used to yell. They have stories of my many, not-so-wonderful parenting moments. My eldest daughter even told me recently, “You used to be scary.” Ouch. Big ouch. Scary was the last thing I ever wanted to be. Especially to my kids.
Somewhere along the line I realised my parenting wasn’t working. It wasn’t so much an ‘aha’ moment, more like a slow dawning. Yelling was not the way forward – for me, or for us. And here’s why:
- I can’t be arsed. Yelling takes too much energy. And I choose to put my energy into things that have a positive spin off. So, yelling doesn’t make the cut.
- Yelling makes my kids feel bad about themselves. I saw it in their faces, in their downcast eyes and in their hunched shoulders. Not to mention the way they slouched off to their room and yelled at their siblings.
- Yelling makes me feel bad about myself. It publicly proves that I am not the parent I want to be. And I would talk pretty nastily to myself about that.
- Yelling closes down communication. It shuts off further conversation and hides away any chance to be vulnerable enough to share a problem, much less solve it together.
- Yelling set me off on a feeling guilty-so-I’ll-do-it-cycle, which built resentment, and eventually led me back to … yelling.
There is one time when yelling is ok, in fact it’s 100% acceptable and that’s when someone is in danger and you’re trying to warn them, “Get off the road,” is perfectly acceptable and downright preferable to the consequence. That’s about it.
I’ve had more than one client ask me, “How do I stop yelling?” and these are the things I tell them:
First of all, I am fully congratulatory of that client. What awesome, awesome awareness that will lead them to change. Just getting to there. That point, that question, is cause for high fives. They are ready to make the decision to stop. And to be committed to that change.
Second, they will be tested. Life has a funny way of checking up on us and when they are tested, they can see this as learning.
Third, the more they practice, the easier it will get to make the change they want to make.
If you are the person who is ready to work on, and upgrade, your anger management tool kit I have a couple of options for you:
- Book in for a one-to-one single session with me. In 90 minutes we will cover all the tools you need and make a plan to lose the yelling.
- Sign up for ‘Teen Talk’ – an online course that will change the way you communicate with your tween/teen/adolescent and teach you the tools that will deepen your relationship and guide them through the challenges that used to make you yell.
- Join the online panui list and get parenting insights delivered to your inbox every week.
Don’t wait, get it sorted now.