Connection doesn’t happen by magic, yet when you do connect with your rangatahi, adolescent, it feels like magic.
As a parent of rangatahi, connection is not just a nice-to-have bonus. Connection is the protective factor for your young person. It’s the link that keeps them grounded in a world that can feel increasingly stressful and overwhelming.
In some situations connection is even more than a protective factor – it’s their life line.
Creating and keeping that connection is intentional. And here are the factors that make all the difference:
- Your rangatahi knows you see them and hear them
- You understand them
- You love them unconditionally
- You know what’s going on for the purpose of supporting them
Let’s have a deeper look at these ideas:
Your rangatahi knows you see them and hear them
This is crucially important for both of you.
When your rangatahi is telling you something, press pause.
We are often so quick to listen for the purpose of answering – they don’t need this from us.
Out in the wider world, most people will listen to rangatahi for the purpose of answering OR for the purpose of checking our rangatahi’s answer is the correct one they wanted to hear.
When our rangatahi are talking with us, it’s crucial that we don’t do this. Instead of listening to answer them, listen to find out what’s going on.
You understand them
When we press pause, and listen to find out we are way more likely to understand our rangatahi. We give ourselves an opportunity to find out where they’re coming from.
We may not agree with them and we may not like what they’re telling us, and that’s ok. We’re the adults and the ones who are managing all our big feelings for the purpose of providing them with a safe space to tell us what they’re up to.
We don’t offer opinions, make judgements or provide advice. All we do is listen, and be curious. We can ask a few questions like, “Tell me more” or, “What happened next?” to keep the conversation going.
Otherwise we’re silent as we harness our rapport building skills.
Listening to understand is enormously different from regular listening. When you are the person who does this for your rangatahi you are their safe space.
You love them unconditionally
When we leave judgements, opinions and advice out of the conversation our rangatahi can see that we are prepared to lean in and understand them.
When we say, “I love you” they will know we mean it. Fully, wholly and completely. No matter what.
That’s unconditional love – when we see another person and we just love them because they are them. No conditions attached. No strings.
You know what’s going on for the purpose of supporting them
Our rangatahi often don’t need much from us other than being able to tell us about their latest change of circumstances AKA life drama without judgement.
When we’re in this space with them we can hear a whole bunch of things, both large and small and when we ask, “What do you need?” The answer is often, “Nothing.”
Gifting our rangatahi the opportunity to talk without judgement is enough.
In a world of stress, overwhelming and busyness, our presence is their present.
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